Festivus: Every Atlantic Divisional Team’s Airing of Grievances

It’s the holiday season. What does that mean? Well, it’s time to get the aluminum pole out of the crawl space as its time to celebrate Festivus!

In this post, I will be airing the grievances for each and every Atlantic Division team’s fan base. So, let’s begin with the team that owns the front pages of every hockey publication. 

Toronto Maple Leafs

It’s time to discuss how the Toronto Maple Leafs organization has disappointed its fan base (and yes I am a Toronto Maple Leafs fan). 

Not only is it impossible to go to a Toronto Maple Leafs game, it’s impossible to afford parking and concessions. The Maple Leafs ticket prices are absurd. You’d have to use your life’s savings to buy tickets. Unfortunately that issue has been going on for years and years. 

Let’s get to the real current issue. How many hours did Leafs fan sit and stare at LeafsPR twitter page? All we wanted was the Leafs to sign William Nylander, but the front office had to sit till the last possible minute to land Nylander on a new deal. Remember when George Costanza thought he had a heart attack… well practically all of Leafs Nation did as well. Don’t do this again next year. Sign Auston Matthews and Mitch Marner much earlier. 

Ottawa Senators

The Ottawa Senators should hire Cosmo Kramer to run the team because he could do a much better job than general manager, Pierre Dorion. 

I know that Kramer’s resume isn’t as strong. Unfortunately, Kramerica Industries failed, but maybe Kramer’s true calling is managing an NHL team. My thinking is that even Kramer wouldn’t have traded Erik Karlsson for a lot of questionable talent. He most likely would have landed a first round pick.

Montreal Canadiens

Marc Bergevin reminds me a lot of Jerry Seinfeld trying to invest in the stock market. In season one, George convinced Jerry to invest in a company who had developed a new technique. This technique was to improve how opera is televised. Yep, it’s an interesting investment.

Bergevin has done some interesting investing as well. One player comes to mind. Karl Alzner. If Bergevin learned one lesson in all his time as general manager its don’t spend a ton of money on a defenseman who only registered a corsi-for percentage better than 50% three times in 9 seasons. 

Boston Bruins

The Boston Bruins need one player to magically leave tomorrow. David Backes. He carries an ugly contract and has a 6 million USD cap hit for the next three seasons. 

You’d think that a player earning 6 million USD per season would have more than 5 points in 23 games played this season. In addition, he has an ATOI of 13:23. Yep, he’s only playing 13 minutes a night and earning 6 million. 

Bruins fans would like to dump Backes. I mean the assistant traveling secretary to the New York Yankees, George had plenty of experience dumping girls. Perhaps, Jeremy Jacobs hires George as a consultant to dump Backes. Or maybe Jacobs hires Kramer to dump Backes. He’s probably heard about Kramer’s attempt to fire Raquel Welch in order to keep his Tony Award.

Buffalo Sabres

In terms of the Buffalo Sabres, there isn’t too much to be disappointed about. The only thing that I can think of if you are a Sabres fan is why did it take this long to be successful.

The Sabres have struggled and struggled for years. All of a sudden, the Sabres are now on top and every one is talking about them. Jack Eichel, Jeff Skinner and Sam Reinhart are lighting up the lamp night after night. Not much to complain about in Upstate New York.

Florida Panthers

Dale Tallon can’t fix the Florida Panthers and neither could Kramer win over the Del Boca Vista condo board. Morty Seinfeld thought that he had a rock solid plan when Kramer came down to South Florida. Kramer would become condo board president and Morty would tell him what to do. Reminds me a lot of Tallon.

In 2010, Tallon packed up his bags and left Chicago, Illinois for sunny Florida. He thought that he could fix the Panthers front office and lead the South Florida club to glory. Instead, the Panthers have only made the playoffs once in the last five seasons. Doesn’t seem like Tallon’s move to Sunrise is helping the Panthers. Looks like it’s time for a change.

Tampa Bay Lightning

The Tampa Bay Lightning remind me a lot of Elaine Benes’ career. Elaine never truly found success. She always had a decent job, but never really had a ton of success. She did briefly run J. Peterman, but she wasn’t even successful then. Her Urban Sombrero which she featured on a J. Peterman catalog cover didn’t do so well and eventually J. Peterman came back to New York to run the company. Elaine moved back to her old job.

The Lightning are always consistent. They do well and they make the playoffs. Sometimes they make it deep into the playoffs, but they simply can’t win it all. 

Detroit Red Wings

The Detroit Red Wings remind me a lot of Morty Seinfeld’s 40 year old rain coats. Kramer tells Morty that he can sell his rain coats at a used clothing store and unfortunately the shop owner won’t take his coats.

The Red Wings have been trying to sell their fan base on veteran players on bad contracts and they have nothing to show for it. Sure, the Red Wings won the Stanley Cup in 2008. But, the Red Wings haven’t done much for their fan base lately. They are still trying to sell 40 year old rain coats.


I hope you enjoyed my Atlantic Division: Airing of Grievances post. You’ll see one soon on the Metropolitan Division.

stats from hockey-reference.com

featured image photo credit – Josh Tessler

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.